Friday, 19 May 2017

'Large Hadron Colliders All Round!'

A large hadron collider. Come on: you know you want one.
It has come to our attention that some people may be swayed by the promises of R&D investment made by the major parties when it comes to voting in the general election on June 8th. Both Labour and the Conservatives have promised to increase spending on research and development to 3% of GDP, and the Lib Dems have pledged to 'double' R&D spending across the economy. 

Don't listen to them. They'll promise it all and deliver nothing. When it comes to empty promises, only one party has the necessary track record: The Fundermental Understanding of Critical Knowledge for All party. We are committed to strong and stable research leadership. We recognise that 3% of GDP is a derisory insult to the the people of this great country of ours. It is positively European. It reeks of garlic and foreignness. 

We know what the people want. What they were - in essence - voting for in last year's referendum was an opportunity to be unshackled from the limitations of H2020 and to properly splurge on research funding. None of this namby pamby €80bn. They don't want to be held back by that Brussels red tape. Oh no. No Johnny Foreigner is going to stop them spending their moolah on a large hadron collider or two. And hell, if they want to buy a large hadron collider for every nation in this proud Union of ours, no Brussels eurocrat is going to stop them. Large hadron colliders all round! All the political parties recognise what a vote winner R&D funding is, but only one party has the strong and stable imagination to put into practice the unspoken democratic will of the people: to give all the cash to boffins. 

As such the FU- well, let's not bother with acronyms, let's just call ourselves the Next Government, shall we? - the next government intends to use the whole UK gross domestic product on research. We have ambition. We have strong and stable ambition and goddamn we want graphene and we want it now!

Sure, the NHS might take a bit of a hit. The school system might have to make do and mend for a while. But it'll be worth it. Finally - and I know this is important to the man on the street - finally the Research Council success rates will be something to boast about. They'll be the finest in the world. The NIH and DAAD will look on with envy. We'll give money to academics without them having to ask for it. They need only have the germ of an idea - preferably about graphene and hadron colliders - and the money will magically appear beside them. 

Yes, only we, the next government, understand the priorities of everyday people. Only we can deliver the huge potential of the 'leather arm patch' vote. Only we can release the potential of being freed from H2020. Only we can give strong and stable insanity. So join us: come June 8th vote F**K All.

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